But they're not! They're not any of these things! They're just a made-up thing — like the Oscars, but safe for women — in which for a few, cheering moments we forget all the huge, awful things that have happened in the year gone by and concentrate instead on the comfortingly meaningless things that have happened in the world of celebrity.
CW doesn't mind admitting that there have been times this year, particularly when John Humphrys was talking about the internet (which he still seems to think is not real and refers to in inverted commas, with a chuckle, thus: "The — haha! — 'inter-net'!"), that it was only being able to open a magazine and read demented headlines such as "Marilyn Manson calls Justin Bieber, 'A girl with the mind of a squirrel' " that has kept it going.
In this spirit, then, CW offers you the crème de la crème — the crème de menthe; the Aldi cream of mushroom 500g tin — of this year's silliness, so that you might run towards 2018 screaming: "Wargh! I'm not scared of you any more! I'm full of gossip, minty booze and soup! This is the combination of heroes!"
Or, if your personality type is less mad drunken Viking, perhaps you would simply be slightly comforted by the fact that CW has arranged a great deal of seemingly random data into some kind of order. Either way, enjoy.
Quote of the Year
We kick off with the Quote of the Year, and the songwriter Ryan Adams, below, doing some sterling work in busting gender stereotypes by being bitchier than any woman has ever managed when discussing his rock rival Julian Casablancas of the Strokes.
Adams's bad-boy reputation was cemented with the publication of this year's great gossipy rock book Meet Me in the Bathroom. In it Adams is accused of introducing the Strokes to heroin. Taking to Twitter to answer these allegations, Adams had a pop at Casablancas, who over the past few years has become, shall we say, "someone with lovely eyes"/"someone with a great personality"/"someone flaunting their curves".
Denying that he was the Strokes' pusherman, Adams tweeted, "I should have got them addicted to writing better songs," before addressing the big question: "Julian Casablancas: who got you strung out on lasagne, tho?" MEOW.
From drugs to sex. The actress Olivia Wilde was discussing her marriage to Jason Sudeikis and m described their sex life thus: "We have sex like marathon runners." Presumably she was unaware that this conjured up, for most people, images of them doing it for charity, heartily regretting it halfway through, and ending it collapsed on the floor swathed in a tin-foil blanket.
While the Daily Mail made a strong running for Quote of the YHYear when it posed the question, "Is the world's oldest tortoise gay?", the eventual winner was Henry Bolton, the new Ukip leader, who hit the headlines in September. Talking about the options for an initiation ceremony into the party's leadership, which had been suggested to him by the television network Russia Today, he said: "The one that was probably most suitable for me was chasing a badger across Dartmoor, capturing it, and then breaking its neck with one's bare hands."
Yes, Ukip chose a leader who would strangle a badger with his bare hands. Don't vote for anyone with foppish badger-strangling gloves. That is not the spirit of Churchill.
Photo of the Year
If we are a primarily visual species, then CW's Photo of the Year should be the most important prize on Earth — and CW is happy to begin sponsorship talks on that incredibly lucrative basis. Any multinational that wants its branding on this sweet baby, get in contact. In terms of price range, think of a number — then keep putting zeros on it until it looks like Frank Spencer saying, "Oooooh!"
Back to the awards and, eye-wise, 2017 has gifted us many jewels, all from superlative divas. To start, we have not one but two entries from Mariah Carey, a woman who never makes one feel as if any following paparazzo has wasted memory space on their camera.
The first shot of Carey appeared in the media on January 2, the day after she had been "slammed" for a shambolic New Year's Eve concert. Over the festive period it seemed that Carey had found a good way to unwind, since she had been papped entering a legal weed dispensary wearing a parka over ball gown. This is absolutely a the look you sh ld b should be going for if you are a multimillionaire diva buying some doob.
Indeed, this shot was so perfect that its only rival was another shot of Carey that showed her in the gym in full make-up, fishnets, jewels and heels. Why work out when you can work up?
In the summer Madonna enriched the lives of a million fans by posting on Instagram a picture of herself fuming and captioned: "When you've been arguing with fed-ex all week that you really are Madonna and they still won't release your package.
!#bitchplease." Rivalling this as a talking point was Perrie of Little Mix, who posted shots of her and her bandmates in a swimming pool. Many thought this pose was "too raunchy", but to CW's eyes it merely looked as if the girls were about to play Hungry Hippos with their bums, which is a great game the whole family can play.
In the end, however, it was Britain's newest diva who stole the crown for Photo of the Year. In the summer Gemma Collins, left, of The Only Way Is Essex, attended a party wearing a dress so extraordinary that it made Lady Gaga look shy. Seemingly the product of an unwilling and painful sexual union between a wardrobe and an orange, the dress had shoulder pads on top of shoulder pads — something no one else in the fashion world has ever dared to consider.
It was only made more perfect by the party being held at the Orangery in Kensington, west London, fuelling suspicions that Collins had mistaken "venue" for "dress code".
In a world of stylists, fashion rules and fear, CW truly salutes Collins's 100 per cent piratical badass mad swagger and hopes that she wears her award on her head, or as a codpiece.
Insane Baby Name of the Year
It is the biggest status symbol you can have. Giving your child a name that would absolutely, unswervingly get them wedgied on a daily basis — unless their parents are incredibly rich/famous/posh and either sending their children to school with two massive security guys or moving in the kind of circles where "Ptolemy" is an unremarkable thing to hear called across a gazebo or ha-ha.
The West Ham striker Andy Carroll scored a name-goal when he gave his son the appellation Wolf Nine, which sounds like the name of a very marginalised animal in a zoo. And Ferne McCann named her daughter Sunday — not after the day of the week, but a brand of cleanser that her make-up artist recommended, which presumably leaves the way wide open for CW to name any of its children Simple.
In a normal year Beyoncé, right, and Jay-Z naming their twins Sir and Rumi would be the standout Baller Name Moment, but they had their thunder totally stolen when, in the same week, Jacob Rees-Mogg announced that his sixth child was to be named Sixtus Dominic Boniface Christopher. Sixtus Domini Chris Ree his Alf Ley Tom Som Dun Theod and Ans Fitzwilliam i everyone who was Dominic Boniface Christopher Rees-Mogg joins brothers Alfred Wulfric Leyson Pius, Wentworth Somerset Dunstan, Peter Theodore Alphege Anselm Charles in what wasn't born in a castle is, surely, referring to as "The Family With All The Mad Names Up It".
While this means that Rees-Mogg wins this year's award, it does also give CW a moment to note that Rees-Mogg gave his only daughter an unusually sensible name: Mary Anne Charlotte Emma. Given Rees-Mogg's old-fashioned views on feminism, CW imagines this is because Rees-Mogg presumes that all women will end up being called "wife" and there's simply no point in wasting some prime mad nomenclature shit on them.
'Phew — thank God everyone will have forgotten about it by Christmas!' The CW Award for the most mortifying celebrity event of 2017
This award focuses on those who will have presumed that, since every other round-up of the year concentrates on political wrangling, notable deaths and extreme weather events, their embarrassing moments — happening way back e ts, ments in or the mists of, say, March June — will have been forgotten, erased, moved on from; meaning they can begin 2018 with a clean slate.
In July Carol Smillie prompted the memorable headline "Carol Smillie still furious with Phillip Schofield two years after he wrongly told This Morning viewers she incontinent" — triggering weeks of "concerned" journalists pursuing clarity on just how frangible Smillie's pelvic floor really is. (It's fine! Only troubled by trampolines, ie a normal mum-bladder, thank you very much, The Schofe!)
Meanwhile, at the Wedding of the Year — Pippa Middleton's hitching to the businessman James Matthews, below — the best man pepped up his speech with the line: "So, to the love of James's life: beautiful, energetic, loyal, soft-mouthed, comes on command, great behind. But enough about James's spaniel, Rafa." This caused disapproval from commentators, who thought comparing a man's wife to a dog was "not on", and confusion from those who didn't know posh people generally believe that dogs have "great behinds".
Kelly Osbourne will presumably still be doing mortified bum-clenches prompted by her hasty tweet. "SHAME on U @Starbucks," she raged in April.
"#PissedMyOwnPants in this location, because UR shameful employees refused to let me use the toilet. I have piss in my shoe."
The photo Osbourne used to accompany the tweet — of her outside the Starbucks on West 27th Street, New York, shoe not pictured — allowed Starbucks to reply swiftly, informing her that the staff didn't let her use the toilet because the West 27th Street Starbucks has no toilet. Unless her shoe now technically counts as one.
But the winner of this year's award must be the former S Club Juniors member Stacey McClean, left, whose wedding went spectacularly wrong.
will leave the explanation peerless summing-up the Daily Mail's headline: "'Everyone mortified': Former Club Juniors Star Stacey McClean has a HUGE bust-up with her groom on her wedding day as throws cake in his face, and drinks herself oblivion."
CW w eav to the pee skills of headl was m S C Sta ha wit he she fac into Ha in five champa McClean husband of b the wedding cake i Having "indulged" glasses of champagne at the wedding, rowed with her but an hour, threw in his face and attempted to give a drunken speech about her life before taking to the dancefloor, "begging others to dance".
When they refused, she shouted, "I hate you all!" then left her wedding.
The morning after — technically, the start of her honeymoon — McClean took to Facebook to apologise to everyone for "drinking on an empty stomach", blaming it on the "stress" of planning a wedding. Here, CW suspects, is the moral of this story. Keep your wedding unambitious and always eat your breakfast — otherwise your white wedding is apt to become a "whitey wedding" and your most heartfelt vow of the day will be: "I will never shotgun Moët on nothing but two Tic Tacs again."
Shooting News: Films to Look Forward to in 2018
2017's shooting news is 2018's big movies, so CW was thrilled to spend the year tracking the celluloid delights that humanity has coming towards it.
Arnold Schwarzenegger is apparently revisiting his role as the Terminator, right, in a new Terminator movie, despite being on the eve of his 70th birthday. CW looks forward to his catchphrase — "I'll be back" — being tweaked slightly, but effectively to, "Oooh, me back."
The forthcoming live-action remake of Aladdin was almost delayed when — despite auditioning more than 2,000 actors — Disney could not find a suitable actor for the title role. This greatly puzzled CW because, at the end of the day, Aladdin is Widow Twankey's son. He just has to wear a waistcoat, talk to a ne in a monkey and not fall off carpet. It's not going to need a turn like Brando's The Godfather.
Lord of the Flies is scheduled for a controversial remake that recasts the film as all-female. While CW is all for equality in Hollywood, it can't help but note that the logical new title, Lady of the Flies, sounds a bit. .. porny. Which is one of the problems with women. Nearly everything about them seems a rude.
The Wrongest Thing of the Year
For those who think death is too tasteful, a solution was provided by Katie Price, who announced her intention to start manufacturing Katie Price coffins — bright pink, covered in crystals and finished with two glorious wooden tits on the lid to turn your final resting place into your final breasting place. Should you need something suitable to wear to the funeral of someone being buried in a Katie Price coffin, CW can heartily recommend the Kim Jong-un romper being sold by getonfleek.com for a mere $99.99.
While we might expect capitalism to provide us with consumer items of incredible wrongness, it's always moving to find individual citizens doing their best, in their day-to-day lives, to do their bit to increase the world's quotient of "WTF? No, dude! No!" In August humanity found a new outlier named Abraham Parnes, who shot to global fame after he was allegedly caught masturbating in a New Jersey cinema during the 2.35pm showing of The Emoji Movie — and who might, therefore, be described as the world's first known emojisexual.
But in the end art gave us the Wrongest Things of 2017. In March a statue of the footballer Ronaldo — which is Portuguese for "Ronald" — caused a stir when it was unveiled at the Cristiano Ronaldo International airport in Madeira. Working to a brief that seemed to include the instruction, "His eyes get lonely, so bunch them up nice and tight", the statue, below, bore less resemblance to Ronaldo than the airport named after him.
At least it wasn't sinister, though. For it is on sheer "Brrrr, no" power that CW's Wrongest Thing of 2017 award goes to the school in Adelaide, Australia, that commissioned a statue of St Dominic handing out loaves of bread to the poor. While it was a lovely idea, unfortunately, due to the unintentionally suggestive position of St Dominic's tiny loaf, the school appeared to have commissioned the world's first statue dedicated to the Patron Saint of Noncing.
Even more unfortunately, the school then compounded the problem by panicking when pictures of the statue went viral and covering it with a cloth — thus making it look as if they had commissioned a statue dedicated to the Patron Saint of Hiding Nonces.
The only thing worse than a nonce openly showing a small child its loafshaped penis is a nonce doing exactly the same thing, but under a blanket.
What is the dominant element of the universe? Carbon? Dark matter? No! It's "widely reported events in the lives of the Beckham family". In terms of their business model, they've got something for everyone: David for men interested in sport, but also men interested in grooming and handsomeness; Victoria for women interested in fashion and business; a teenage son, Brooklyn, right, to intrigue the eye of the next generation; and a couple of cute younger ones for nannas and grandads to coo over. Unless they also had a loveable pet dog given a wry voiceover by Chris Rock, the Beckhams couldn't be more across every market.
So, since they are a world within a world, CW felt it only appropriate to devote a whole award to the most notable Beckham-based incident of 2017. And there's a lot to choose from. In June Brooklyn became a viral sensation when he notably failed to take a picture of an elephant. His debut photography book, Brooklyn Beckham: What I See, showed us — among other treats — a blurry, out-offocus shot of an elephant, captioned: Elephants in Kenya. So hard to photograph — but incredible to see."
As millions of internet wits posted much better pictures of elephants captioned "Other people seem to have managed this, dear", or suggested more accurate title for the book might be Brooklyn Beckham: What Didn't Get in Focus, CW had already moved on to the news that Brooklyn's move to New York — to study — had worried his mother so much that she had hired a security guard to watch over him at all times. The same mca ma mI D mmha sh wat
Event in the World of the Beckhams
report also conveyed the news that Brooklyn had commemorated moving to New York by getting a tattoo that reads "Mama's Boy" inked just above his nipple.
CW wouldn't usually get between a mother, her son and his nipple, but in this particular case it would suggest that the best way to ensure your son's safety is to make sure that he doesn't have "Mama's boy" tattooed on his tits before you send him off to America.
Of course, "bizarre behaviour" is all relative in the Beckham family. In May David instagrammed his special birthday breakfast and united the world in a communal exhalation of "What the f*** is that?" The f*** that was, to be specific, was bacon, fried egg, pineapple rings, ham, baked beans, chips, mushy peas, coleslaw and toast. Anna Pavlova inspired the name of the Pavlova. Arnold Bennett inspired omelette Arnold Bennett. And now we had "The Beckham" — the name given to a meal where the chip shop, the fry-up and a picnic have an orgy and give birth to the wrongest baby ever.
However, the Most Notable Event in the World of the Beckhams in 2017 was without a doubt "Sir-gate". No, not a safety device installed by Beyoncé and Jay-Z to make sure their new son doesn't fall down the stairs, but the leaking of Beckham's private emails in which he expressed his frustration at not yet having been knighted.
Talking about the honours committee, Beckham commented, variously, "Who decides on the honours? If I was American I would of got something like this 10 years ago," and, "It's pissed me off, those old unappreciative c***s."
CW feels that it can speak for most of Britain when it says that this is pretty much the content of all our texts and daily conversations. In the past week alone, CW has said, "I deserve a knighthood — why am I not getting one from these unappreciative old c***s?" over the following: clearing some crusty cat vomit from inside a shoe; organising a barge holiday for its siblings; filling out online forms for switching bank accounts; running 1.1km very slowly with a hangover; cleaning out the dishwasher filter; filing its copy a day early; and carrying a heavy thing some distance. Why wouldn't David Beckham get a knighthood? He's totally the kind of person who gets a knighthood. He's lived a knight-y-ish life. CW's not throwing shade on anyone, but if Bruce Forsyth got a knighthood for saying, "You're such a lovely audience — so much better than last week's" for 57 years, then surely Beckham is on for a gong too?
Beckham is handsome, a man and good at sport, which — as far as CW understands society — makes him the very best a human being can be. To misquote Emma Watson's UN "He For She" speech: "If not now — when? If not David Beckham — who?"
And, finally, what have we learnt in 2017? A round-up of the year's most unlikely facts
The Hollywood star Jessica Biel often eats in the shower. "It works with cereal or sausages — but not so much with sandwiches," she clarified.
The footballer Wayne Rooney blew £500,000 in one night of gambling. As far as CW knows, the only other way you can spend this much money in such a short period of time is to go to Center Parcs in August and tick the "bike hire and all extras" option.
While performing in New York, Justin Bieber substituted the Spanish lyrics of his worldwide smash hit Despacito with "Jabba jabba jabba/burrito!" and "I don't know the words/So I say Dorito". Someone in the audience threw a bottle of urine at his head. Bieber has since retired from live touring and is rumoured to be opening a church, but presumably not in a Spanish-speaking country.
Responding to an initial availability query, Sinitta informed the booker on Celebrity Big Brother that her rider would consist of "a puppy, a swearing ban, a bodyguard and tequila". Sinitta did not appear on Celebrity Big Brother.
Meghan Markle's preferred gift when attending dinner parties is not champagne or chocolates, but, according to an interview in Good Housekeeping magazine, "a perfectly roasted chicken". "It's a game-changer," Markle, above, told them in January. "I bring it to dinner parties and make a lot of friends."
The Royle Family star Ricky Tomlinson is convinced that the Countdown presenter Richard Whiteley, who died in 2005, was "a member of the intelligence services", whose documentary Red Under the Bed was indirectly responsible for Tomlinson serving a jail sentence for illegal striking.
Blue Ivy — the fortunate zygotic product of Beyoncé and Jay-Z — received a horse worth $75,000 for her birthday. CW hopes that, like all parents, Beyoncé and Jay-Z hid the gift on top of their wardrobe for two weeks before giving it to her.
The Queen has a royal shoe-breaker to break in her shoes — technically making them the only person who can criticise Her Majesty since they really have walked a mile in her shoes.
m And on that joke, CW bids you to have A HAPPY NEW YEAR!